Little girl lost

I’m lost. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore or where I’m going. I used to have so much motivation to do stuff (just “stuff” mind you, but stuff all the same). Now it’s an achievement to get up and get through each day. I am directionless; wandering aimlessly through life.

Somewhere deep inside there are things I want to do; things I want to achieve, but I don’t know where to start. I’m not even sure what the first step is, and even when I do know, I’m afraid to take it. I feel like something is holding me back, only I don’t really know what it is. I’m quite sure it’s me. I am the only one holding me back. But I don’t know how to fix that.

It all seems so pointless and like I will be stuck in this unhappy hell forever.

Which is all a fast route to the dark place and wishing I’d done the unthinkable when I had the chance. My therapist thinks it could be the change in meds that’s done this to me, but that’s just her nauseatingly rational brain talking, I’m sure.

Distraction, she says. Do nice things, she says. Easy for her to say sitting there with her perfect life and her perfectly functioning brain.

I was brought up in a household that believed in work. And rest. But very little play. Play was an indulgence. Not a standard part of life.

Who the hell was I thinking I had a right to be happy? And who the hell was my therapist giving me hope like that?

After a few weeks of generally doing ok, I feel like I’m letting her down. She looked so disappointed when I told her how I was feeling. I even got the doe eyes. Or are they the bored eyes? I’ll never know.

Sometimes I think life was easier inside my emotional prison… working, working, working. I knew how to do that. I don’t know how to do this other thing. This thing called “life”.

Why does healing have to be one step forward and two steps back all the time? Haven’t I been dealt a hand of sh1t enough already?

* Sigh *

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11 thoughts on “Little girl lost

  1. K…remember this too shall pass. I do think the meds have rocked your foundation a bit. That makes proper perspective much harder. You need to push through this right now, as tough as it is. Look back on a few posts before and your positive strides. Understand where you were and that chemically something is different right now. Try (I know its hard) to help your biologicl brain release good chemicals…not pool the shitty ones. Do whatever you can to be mindful, stay in the moment so all the crud stays below the surface. Call a friend, chat, lay with Millie..whatever it takes.

    T is there to help! She looks at you in concern, as you did her in sharing her surgery fears. That is what relationships are…caring. You are confusing it with judgment. Your unconscious is more present in your depressed state. Try to recognize it but consciously give it less weight than your other feelings.

    Hang in K…I’ll reach out in the AM…((((K))))

  2. (((kerro)))
    I think it might be the meds as well. Please be kind to yourself and try to do nice things.
    I think that was compassion and concern in her eyes as well. Ditto everything Strangename said.
    Take a chance on a dream, I did and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You may feel anxious or lost but it passes.
    Imagine how people in war torn third world countries must feel? They still have to get up every day and keep it moving.

    I know you can do it Kerr….

  3. (((Kerro))) I’m so sorry you’re feeling lost. You have every right to find happiness! Getting up is an achievement. Going to therapy is an achievement. Trying to find something that is considered “play” or self-soothing is a MAJOR achievement – even if it’s just trying to think of something, that means that your mind is open to the idea of finding something soothing to do.

    I know it’s a cliche, but try to take it one moment at a time. Look for those moments of peace and beauty – they are there, it’s just sometimes we have to look a little harder for them.

    Just as you offered to stand with me, we’re offering to stand with you for as long as you need it.

    Take care
    Michelle

  4. Ditto on the meds change — that can cause massive disruption in emotional stability. You deserve hope and happiness. I don’t think your T is disappointed in you … I think she’s concerned for you.

  5. Kerro, I’m so sorry. Know that this can just be a spell. And, yes, I agree with the others that the meds can be a major contributor. The step forward is a place you haven’t been to before. You are learning new things about yourself. So, when you take a step or two back, you are not exactly in the same place you were before.

    Paul

  6. Hi Kerro,

    I wanted to say that having a med change takes some time to adjust to. The other one can still be in your system affecting you. It might take a few more weeks to totally get out. Having two of them in the body together can be a real stress on the body. After that you can better assess what the new one is doing and it can take weeks to feel the full positive effects. I know this is a terrible thing to have to admust to and tolerate.

    Thinking of you.

    Kate

  7. Hey Kerro,
    I have felt that way too, about wanting to get stuff done but not having the energy or motivation, and not knowing how to play. It felt really unsolveable. The good thing about realizing that your being depressed right now is probably mostly the meds, is that it will for sure get better, you just need to stick it out.

    The other thing I’ve noticed is that physical stuff can really help. Deep breathing really does calm you down, going in the sunshine or listening to pleasant music or watching comedies really does lighten your mood, eating vegetables and taking your multivitamin really does make you feel better. All of this is stuff you can do even if you’re depressed and even if you don’t really believe it will help.

    And as for your therapist, she works for you. It’s not her business to judge, it’s her job to help you figure out what you need to do and to do it. The thing about being depressed is that it helps you make negative guesses about people’s intentions, that aren’t always correct. It’s not about you letting her down or not. It’s about you living your life in the way you want to and feeling better.

    You are a survivor. You’ve survived much worse than this. You will be happy again, for sure.

    Warm hugs,
    SDW

  8. Hey Kerro – hang in there.

    It is so easy to see the world from the glass half empty stance when everything around you seems to add to that belief. I know Wounded Deer’s comment about people in worse places was well intentioned but if you’re anything like me when I’m in this state of mind I can’t worry about other people “being worse off” – it starts me down the road of thinking I’m being selfish being so weak and needy – and that’s NOT the case.

    I’m really sorry too that you are having such issues with the meds.

    As you know I’m into month 3 on my A/D’s and they have completely turned my life around. It’s amazing to have literally had the negative voice switched off. And even when it does shout up I can only just hear it. It used to drown me out. Please don’t despair and remember that there are people who care for you.

    When you’re feeling like this it’s easy to misconstrue comments, facial expressions and everything our T’s do to “fit” our belief of what’s going on but challenge that and remember she has been a good, loyal and faithful companion throughout. She’s there to help.

    Be strong, be kind to yourself and remember that no matter how bad things seem now, you will get to a point where you’ll look BACK on this and realise it’s behind you and that you are no longer trapped in the mire and feel as though you are sinking.

    My thoughts are with you and I send you warm, positive thoughts.

    Be gentle on yourself my friend….

  9. Pingback: Dear friends « Kerro’s Korner

  10. I have a very similar thinking regarding the suffering of others IGMC. I once asked my therapist why I was being such a drama queen about what happened to me, yet people are being horrifically abused around the world and end up becoming spokespeople for war and abuse survivors. Her response was a simple one which explains so much – those other people had at least one person who loved them unconditionally. They had someone to go to for love, comfort and support; we didn’t. Yes, people are suffering around the world, but comparisons are unkind to both parties. Honestly doing the best you can to move towards a better life is the strongest and hardest thing all of us can do.

    Take care,
    Michelle

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