I’m a little over a week into the new anti-depressants and already I feel different. I felt different on the second day. Admittedly this could be taking up the new meds, ditching the old ones, both of these things or none of them. Initially I felt a bit weird, and super anxious, but mostly those symptoms have been manageable.
The impact on the Food Thing is bigger than I ever imagined. By Day 2 I was feeling less like a walrus. By Day 6 my appetite seemed less: I was no longer starving constantly and I could no longer shovel mountains of food into my body. Now I do actually feel sick when I do, and my body does ask me to stop. Wow. I can even discern when I’m actually hungry or not, and when I’m eating for emotional reasons, versus life sustaining ones.
Of course, noticing these things and actually doing something about them are two different things, but I guess the noticing is the first step?
Unfortunately the kilos I’ve gained haven’t magically fallen off. I’m still the fat kid – inside and out – but feel less like an overstretched balloon. I’m starting to feel less that something foreign is taking over my body over which I have no control…and more that perhaps there’s a way back to eating properly now.
There’s a Latin expression “post hoc ergo propter hoc”* – after it therefore because of it. Feeling less like a walrus; less like an over-stretched balloon, I can only conclude that the evil anti-depressants were indeed evil.
Of course, it’s only been a few days, and I’m still eating a fair quantity of cr@p, but time will tell. My therapist did say she thought I looked to be carrying less fluid. I am honestly praying to all implausible deities that I can get this under control. It’s hard enough being inside my head at the best of times, let alone when the Food Thing is totally out of control.
I’m going to leave the Food Thing alone for a while now. It’s been incredibly difficult sharing all this… but also very reassuring to know that I’m not alone. Thank you to everyone for your love and support.
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* Ok, I admit it. I’ve never studied Latin. I learnt this on The West Wing! 🙂