What the doctor said

I talked to my doctor yesterday about my father’s health. Mostly in the hope that she’d give me a definite timeframe for his death. She didn’t, of course, but she did say that it doesn’t sound like he’ll live much longer.

She said that either he’ll develop an allergy to the blood transfusions, as many patients do, and die a long, slow and painful death – or, because he’s been an alcoholic for much of his life, and has a number of co-morbid conditions, one of his blood vessels will burst and he’ll be gone in about four minutes.

The doctor said long and slow isn’t nice, but given what he’s put me through would be satisfying (for her, more than me, I suspect). I must have said something about not seeking revenge because she quoted me an old Chinese proverb: those who seek revenge dig two graves.

I do believe that to be true. I guess it’s why I don’t seek revenge. I don’t need that negative energy. Ever since starting therapy I’ve noticed I have a decreased tolerance for negative forces. I guess I have absorbed enough from my abusers to generate enough within myself, and don’t need to create any more. That’s not to say that revenge isn’t definitely sweet, and I support any survivor who needs it. It’s just not for me.

Anyway, the father is being sent home from hospital tomorrow. I guess another episode in his dance with death is over.


* * *

Post script…

Somehow in telling this story I seem to have dismissed the fact that I told my doctor about all the heinous sh*t from my past. I was nervous, and I cried, but I did it. I’m glad I did – she was empathetic, and showed an appropriate amount of disgust towards my father.

I know I should be pleased with myself for having this courage, but somehow I have glossed over it and got caught up in the other stuff that’s going on. Same old story, I suppose, neglecting myself in all this.


6 thoughts on “What the doctor said

  1. Hi,

    You told, that is a big deal. That is you taking care of yourself. It is okay to give yourself the credit for that incredibly courageous act.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  2. Wow, this is really huge that you said what happened to you.

    This is, I think, your body and mind finally trying to free yourself from him.

    Good for you.


  3. How are you doing with him dying? That’s a big deal.
    Good for you for telling the doctor, and I’m glad she was compassionate about it.

    Personally I think anger is a good, normal and healthy thing in the face of abuse and not negative at all. Revenge feelings I think come from anger getting blocked up and festering, but in the interest of releasing anger and rage, there’s nothing wrong with a good solid revenge fantasy. It’s like vomiting when you have an upset stomach, kind of unpleasant but relieving. However you feel right now, that’s how you feel right now and that’s okay. I’ve felt everything from numb to (remembered) love to rage toward my dying father/abuser, and it’s all just feelings. I’m looking forward to dancing on his grave, which is about celebration, honouring myself and this rite of passage for me, and survivor activism for me.

    Blessings to you,

  4. (((Kerro)))
    so proud of you, isn’t it amazing after the most horrid secrets dislodge the world doesn’t end?

    By the way if it wasn’t illegal I would be willing to help you out with your dad a la Nurse Ratched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest style…….

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