So little

I spent last weekend with my friend (the saint) and her children at the beach. I was an emotional wreck, but it was lovely. And safe. It’s the first time I’ve been able to reach out, and the first time I could see that’s what I really needed to do, even if it was one of the hardest things to do at the time. Definite progress, I’d say.

I’m realising that I can’t hide with this friend – as soon as she asks how I am, I fall apart (if that’s the space I’m in). I can’t pretend everything is “fine” (which is what I do with everyone else), and she knows when I’m pretending. My therapist says this is also definite progress, and important to have someone I can really share with.

Her kids (both boys) are 5 and nearly 3. They’re wonderful. I love them to bits, and she says they love me to bits back (although I have trouble believing this).

The 3 year old was a bit sick with a cold, so he wasn’t up to a lot, although we played with his toys and went to the park, stepping in every “muddle” (muddy puddle) on the way.

The 5 year old couldn’t get enough of me – we went to the park, played video games, wrestled, tickled and ran around the sand dunes “exploring” (well, he ran – I hauled my sorry a$$ up the dunes and followed him in and out the “tunnels” in the bushes, me saying: “I’m too big to get through there” and him saying “Just bend down, Kerro. Come on!” LOL)

One thing that struck me (again) is how little they both are. They’re tall for their ages, but still so little. Tiny little hands in their tiny little gloves. Tiny little faces with big brown eyes soaking up the world around them. Sweet and innocent. Beautiful.

I started thinking about when I was that age, and my father was doing bad things. Why would he do those things to a little kid? How could he not love a little kid? How could anyone not love a little kid?

This really upsets me. My therapist said this stuff still upsets her. She couldn’t do her job if it didn’t.

I guess this is something I’ll never understand.

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4 thoughts on “So little

  1. Hi Kerro,

    I feel that way too when I look at little kids. It just gets to me. They are so beautiful, so precious, and their innocence is just oozing out their pores and someone hurts little ones exactly like that.

    I’m glad you had your friend. Not an easy time, but I’m glad that you were there for a time and got through it with someone you can’t put on the facade for.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. I’m so proud of you for reaching out!! And I’m very glad for you that you have a safe place with your friend.

    I have never been able to understand what makes an abuser do such awful things to little kids, either. Their pure awe and trust are heart-tugging, and most of us feel touched and protective of them because of it.

  3. I think this is a healthy response. Unfortunately, we do need to validate what happened. This helps everyone inside. I have become more and more attuned to this lately with my 4th grader daughter because my abuse was mostly difficult around this time. I see her so happy and carefree and think how complicated my life was back then. It’s painful, but necessary. Paul.

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