Sobbing. More wretched sobbing.

I’ve been so touched by everyone’s kindness and support in response to my last few posts (here and here). There’s a lot I’ve wanted to say in reply, but life has taken another slide backwards.

This week my therapist chose to dig a little deeper into my hopes and fears, dredging up another pile of filth and leaving me flopping around like a half dead fish. Things seemed to be going along so nicely in therapy – why did she have to go and dig up more toxic sh1t?

Again I felt like she exposed my hideousness for the world to see, and I’ve spent the last few days dealing with the aftermath. Sobbing. Endless bl00dy sobbing. The intensity of these emotions is enormous and I’ve been thrust back to feeling as wretched as I felt a while ago. The pain is unbearable.

One thing does seem different this time. I now know (or think I know) that all this sobbing and wretchedness is partly because I simply don’t know how to deal with this emotional stuff – except for time honoured strategies like eating myself into oblivion, taking sleeping pills and curling up under a rock, cutting myself or just doing myself in. I’ve wanted to do all of these things over the last few days and, of course, that’s just a direct route to more self-loathing. Sometimes I think life was easier inside my emotional prison. I knew how to do that. I don’t know how to deal with this feeling stuff.

Ages ago my therapist said “sometimes the deep-seated pain needs to be flushed out before it can be dealt with effectively” – is that what’s been happening here? Can’t she make it flush faster? I can’t bear this.

I’ve been able to distract myself temporarily, although the pain and sobbing is never far away. I also arranged to spend the weekend with a friend because I was afraid of what I might do if I spent time alone. My friend is a saint – she knows some of what I’m trying to deal with (and still she hangs around, I just don’t get it?). Her support is endless. It took every ounce of strength I had to ring her, but I did. And I’m glad I did. I was still a mess at her place, but I had her support and the love of her kids to help me through (even if the kids are a bit triggery for me, but more on that another time).

Thanks to all my friends in the forum for supporting me as well. I appreciate you more than you know.

I’m very tempted to cancel next week’s therapy session but I know I’d just be running away. I can’t keep running away from this sh1t forever, right?

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7 thoughts on “Sobbing. More wretched sobbing.

  1. Hi Kerro,

    I’m sorry you are feeling so godawful right now. Yes flushing, that is a good way of looking at it. You were hurt terribly and now it is time for the shit to be flushed away.

    Seriously the world doesn’t see our hideaousness, no matter how obvious it is to us, because mainly we are not seeing things correctly and adjunctly because we need to see all that crapola to understand that it is crapola and not even our own crapola. It is not your hideosness and you will see that. I hope it is soon, but I know that it will happen.

    I hear you. The pain is unbearable. Probably even more so than when you were miserable before because we you are saeing and feeling more accurately what has happened to you in your childhood.

    I’m glad that you are doing more healthy coping techniques. This is not easy stuff, this is some of the bravest stuff in the world. And you reached out for someone and went somewhere to spend time with your friend. Good for you.

    “I can’t keep running away from this sh1t forever, right?”

    Right. I hope you can go to your therapy session and keep working on riding yourself of this. You deserve to heal and you have a wonderful life ahead of you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. (((kerro)))
    I am so pleased you reached out to a friend and she supported you.
    It’s ok to sob. (I have plenty of nerve, I’ve been suppressing for days!)
    Maybe it would be good to identify what is hurting so bad. Remembering the heinous sh*t? Acknowledging the effect it had? The inability to stay emotionally numb? It might be good material for the next session. Hang in there, let the appropriate people take care of you and DONT TALK TO YOUR MUM!
    Thinking of you

  3. I’m so glad that you let your friend support you. That’s such a major step — so positive and so good for you.

    Echoing wounded above … stay away from the toxic parents, if you possibly can. Hold yourself in a safe space. You deserve it.

  4. I don’t have anything to add to the above comments… Just that this is a good time to practice self-care. And also, something I am told often, the place you are at now is not bottomless. There is an end.

    Paul

  5. Pingback: So little « Kerro’s Korner

  6. Thank you all for your support. It never ceases to amaze me how you all love and support me. I’m truly touched.

    @ Kate – yes, this is harder than “before” because I am allowing myself to feel. Whose bl00dy stupid idea was that anyway? 😉

    @ Wounded Deer, dear – stay tuned, another post on the way that will reveal all.

    @ David – thank you. 🙂

    @ Paul – no, it’s not bottomless, because I felt like I was at the bottom. On the way out again now though. 🙂

  7. Pingback: The tough stuff « Kerro’s Korner

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