This week my therapist chose to dig a little deeper into my hopes and fears, dredging up another pile of filth and leaving me flopping around like a half dead fish. Things seemed to be going along so nicely in therapy – why did she have to go and dig up more toxic sh1t?
Again I felt like she exposed my hideousness for the world to see, and I’ve spent the last few days dealing with the aftermath. Sobbing. Endless bl00dy sobbing. The intensity of these emotions is enormous and I’ve been thrust back to feeling as wretched as I felt a while ago. The pain is unbearable.
One thing does seem different this time. I now know (or think I know) that all this sobbing and wretchedness is partly because I simply don’t know how to deal with this emotional stuff – except for time honoured strategies like eating myself into oblivion, taking sleeping pills and curling up under a rock, cutting myself or just doing myself in. I’ve wanted to do all of these things over the last few days and, of course, that’s just a direct route to more self-loathing. Sometimes I think life was easier inside my emotional prison. I knew how to do that. I don’t know how to deal with this feeling stuff.
Ages ago my therapist said “sometimes the deep-seated pain needs to be flushed out before it can be dealt with effectively” – is that what’s been happening here? Can’t she make it flush faster? I can’t bear this.
I’ve been able to distract myself temporarily, although the pain and sobbing is never far away. I also arranged to spend the weekend with a friend because I was afraid of what I might do if I spent time alone. My friend is a saint – she knows some of what I’m trying to deal with (and still she hangs around, I just don’t get it?). Her support is endless. It took every ounce of strength I had to ring her, but I did. And I’m glad I did. I was still a mess at her place, but I had her support and the love of her kids to help me through (even if the kids are a bit triggery for me, but more on that another time).
Thanks to all my friends in the forum for supporting me as well. I appreciate you more than you know.
I’m very tempted to cancel next week’s therapy session but I know I’d just be running away. I can’t keep running away from this sh1t forever, right?