“Do you want to reschedule?”

So, I made that all important phone call to p-doc today to cancel my next appointment – and every appointment thereafter.

His (very condescending and rather snarky) receptionist said, “Do you want to reschedule?” Umm, no, but thanks anyway. 🙂

I said, “I’d like to speak to p-doc so that I can tell him to shove his therapy where the sun don’t shine… and talk about the report he’s writing for my GP.”

Of course I didn’t actually say that, but I felt like it. The receptionist said p-doc wasn’t available. Of course not. Funny, he suddenly became available about 5 minutes later…

I told him I didn’t think it was going to work and I had cancelled my appointment. He didn’t give a toss – I guess that’s the therapist’s way. I was shaking like a leaf, but did everything I could do hide that (I’m usually pretty good at that, on the phone anyway).

I asked about the letter to my GP.

P-doc said “Yes, well, I’ll need to finish that. I’d like to go through it with you.”

Me: “I’d be happy to look at your draft if you email it to me.”

P-doc: “No, I’m not prepared to do that. I’d prefer it if you’d come in.”

Me: Ha ha ha.
Not on your life, sonny.
When hell freezes over.
When the sun rises from the west.
When there’s two Thursdays in a week.
When chicken have teeth.
When pigs fly.

Me: “I can’t do that. I guess you’ll have to finish it and send it to my GP.”

I can’t tell you how liberating this was. I felt so incredibly powerful. I think it’s just about the first time in my life that I’ve stood up to anyone like this. Wow. It feels great! 😀

I’m sure p-doc is sitting in his ugly green faux-leather chair dismissing me as being “resistant” (my therapist said he would probably wipe me off that way). But, you know what? I don’t care! Not one little bit.

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16 thoughts on ““Do you want to reschedule?”

  1. How very brave of you to talk to the receptionist and then the pdoc. I would have just left a message in the middle of the night cancelling.

    Good for you for taking care of yourself, this is incredible. I know that none of this was easy, but you did an incredible job of taking care of yourself. This is a huge change for any survivor. Be proud, you have a lot to be proud of in this whole process.

    Kate

  2. Kate, thank you so much for your kind words. I find it really hard to believe that you could be talking about me, but I guess that’s part of the journey.

  3. Not only would I have called in the middle of the night (that made me laugh) but I’d have witheld my number JUST ON THE OFF-CHANCE that he might have been working late LMAO.

    I think it’s huge you cancelled that way – I’m a bit of a scaredy pants that way and my voice quivers (so unlike me in the real world).

    The guy was a LOSER so toss him to the curb…

    Well done – give yourself a huge pat on the back….

  4. No, seriously I don’t think you see how incredible this is. Most survivors couldn’t have talked to him. This is a great job and huge steps in healing.

    Kate

  5. Thank you everyone.

    @ Bird – he said he has to do the letter coz he has some “medico-legal obligations to fulfil”. I asked in a previous session what those are but he wouldn’t elaborate. W@nker.

    @ Tamp – thank you! 🙂

    @ Rainbow Sox – 🙂

    @ IGMC – LOL re calling in the middle of the night. My need to push myself (almost to the point of extinction) is too high. I really needed to face this and do it myself, otherwise the dark voice would have just had another excuse to flog me.

    @ Kate – you’re right. I really don’t see how incredible this is. Like most things I just say “ok, that’s done” and move right along. I’m really not good at recognising when I actually achieve anything meaningful.

  6. You are amazing with your courage! I have lied so many times when cancelling all future appointments, and did the after-hours leave-a-message thing. I am giving you a standing ovation!!!

  7. BOUNDARIES!!! Bravo Kerro you did it! You should be so proud of yourself. Now keep that feeling. It will help the next time you may need to do the same at your folks place. You proved you can do it…I’m really psyched for you! (((Kerro)))

  8. what is “p-doc” short for?

    I’m glad he’s out of your face.

    It sounds like there’s a somatic psychotherapy approach to what he does, from when you mentioned that he pointed out the way you sat and breathed and so on. In that style of approach that’s actually normal; sometimes a particular body shift can happen when a certain topic comes up that can give a clue as to what’s going on. Oddly enough though, I have met only one somatic psychotherapist that wasn’t a fucking asshole. My last shrink was one and I’d had it so much I just left her a voicemail and said thanks for everything, I’m done. Sometimes you just need to go through things on your own. But that’s me. Anyway. Point being, definitely stick with someone whose style makes you comfortable and not second guess your every move. I hope you find someone like that soon. Hugs.

  9. @ Butterfly, Sanity, Strangename – thank you, I don’t feel brave or courageous, or even that I did anything special. I’m sure my therapist would say something about dismissing all the good things I do, focusing on the negatives, or something like that anyway.

    @ WISP – I use p-doc as short hand for psychiatrist, although in this case it really just stands for World’s Greatest Tool. 😉

  10. Here is what I tell people when I say they are brave and they say no they don’t feel brave. Here is one meaning of the word: 1. Possessing or displaying courage; valiant.

    Here is one meaning of courage: The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

    So from these two definitions you can see courage and bravery are not a feeling.

    So no one feels courageous or bravery. When I speak of bravery I am always referring to the actions the person did. Bravery is action. Your actions are brave, therefore you displayed bravery in your actions.

    A state of spirit that enables someone to face something is courage. It might not be a state of calmness or a feeling of courage. But by a person’s actions you can tell whether they were being courageous or not. See, courage too is not a feeling.

    I have often heard that no one feels “courageous.” Remember the cowardly lion. He was scared out of his fur and yet his actions and state of spirit proved his bravery and courage. You too.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  11. I keep meaning to comment here and tell you how impressed I am that you stood up to that asshole.

    If he has to send the letter to your GP, I think the best thing to do is simply prep your GP, in clear, unemotional, non-blaming language; just say that you and the P-doc did not have a good working relationship, and that you feel his letter is likely to be inflammatory and inaccurate, that you were not permitted to see its contents, and that you would like to discuss it with your GP once she receives it, to clarify anything that may be incorrect or confusing.

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