I feel grubby

My therapist sent me an email in which, among other things, she said it might be worth considering seeing p-doc again. Just when I thought I’d made up my mind not to go back. Damn.

I’ve been thinking about my sessions with him. I feel grubby. Dirty. Yucky.

As if his sexualised comments aren’t enough, one of the things he does is draw attention to things that I say, or do, or ways that I move/don’t move. For example, he’ll watch me fiddle with my jewellery and say “What’s going on there?” or watch me sitting with my arms crossed and say “See how you’re sitting? And breathing?”

Granted this might be good for me in a therapeutic sense, but I can’t stand it.

I hate myself and my body enough without him constantly drawing attention to it. At risk of disclosing too much information – my father used to “spy” on me in the shower and I’ve always hated people looking at me; it’s very shame inducing. It’s like they’re undressing me or something. I don’t know.

Is this a trigger? Or is my anxiety just looking for an excuse to freak out some more? I don’t know.

I do know that I’m hysterical. I can’t believe this, just when I was starting to get back on track and feel like I might be making a little progress. Ugh.

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9 thoughts on “I feel grubby

  1. Hi Kerro,

    You are an adult, a powerful adult. You are no longer a powerless child. You are a strong powerful adult. Just because your p-doc says you should see a psychiatrist doesn’t mean you have to do it. You don’t have to do anything that anyone says, frankly. And just because p-doc says you should see a psychiatrist doesn’t mean you have to see THAT psychiatrist. A good psychiatrist doesn’t trigger shit for you that keeps you up at night thinking about ways that he is just like a sexually abusive shithead.

    Butterfly

  2. @ Butterfly, thank you for your forthrightness. You made me LOL. You’re right, of course, that I am an adult. So hard to remember when you get knocked over by grubbiness.

  3. @Kerro, I fiddle with my rings (and bracelets when I’m wearing them) often throughout sessions.

    The calling to awareness of what you’re doing, how you’re sitting, etc., is right in line with the mindfulness thing.

    T1 used to call me on that sort of thing on a fairly regular basis. And for me, the breathing thing (or lack thereof) was a source of attention, too. T2, as well, but not so much, as his focus is less body-oriented – at least at this point in time.

    That said, I didn’t have the “spying” issue you have. It was very disconcerting, nonetheless. That said, I knew that for me it was a very useful thing to have awareness brought to me of what I was doing.. and when.

    What @Butterfly said is useful. Maybe it makes sense to see a PDoc, but maybe not *that* PDoc…

  4. I just wanted to echo other ppl’s comments – you are an adult and can choose not to go to p-doc if you don’t want to go. My T also has brought to light different physically related things at one time or another but I’ve never felt it as intrusive – though I don’t have your experiences Kerro. I totally support you either way, but don’t feel like you don’t have a choice in this. You definitely do.

  5. Just feeling for you, Kerro – I don’t really know what to say. I can sense your confusion around T suggesting you see P-doc again. I’m sorry you’re having to work this one out.

  6. Kerro, can you postpone seeing p-doc again (or making a decision about whether to see him again) until after T is back from her holiday? At least then you won’t have to deal with him without backup, and you won’t have burned bridges with him yet, if you should decide you want to talk to him to help you through waiting for T to return.

  7. I would find these things inappropriate, if any t brought them up. I was very watched and my whole life was in the control of someone else. I had very little power in my life and so I do not want anyone else who I do not feel loves and accepts me making comments.

    This guy should be aware, if he was knowledgable, about what kinds of things would be okay to say or not okay to say. The fact that he has done so much wrong, well that would convince me that he wasn’t safe or trustworthy to see.

    I don’t agree that this guy is doing mindfulness or body awareness on you. He should explain that process and see if you were comfortable with that prior to doing it. And this is not early enough in a therapeutic relationship to be doing that. And he is not doing it in a way that makes you feel good, but rather defensive and unsafe.

    I understand that other people might not have the same issues or they might think something else, even your t. But this guy is giving you the creeps and that should never be ignored.

    Now we can say no and stop seeing someone who creeps us out. Dirty, grubby, yucky, those are creep factor words.

    As I always say trust the creep factor, it is never wrong. Intuition is a good thing and should be trusted. We had to live with the creep factor and were able to do nothing in our childhood about it.

    Kate

  8. I hate being watched – not for the same “trigger” reasons as you but just because I imagine the person is thinking negative things. That’s part of the reason I HATE silence in sessions – my T knows that. I fiddle with stuff too and jig my leg and sometimes he comments on it and sometimes he doesn’t (including the breathing thing). Thing is that I know I’m doing it now and I am more aware but whenever he raised it, it was always done in a healthy way – not so I felt like an idiot.

    I’m with David’s description on the p-doc – he sounds like a complete moron.

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