Thank you to everyone for your love and support during these dark days. Thanks to Ljane I have been visualising myself cosying up on the couch with you all. It’s lovely – thank you. 🙂
Things have been so dark, and I’m so very very tired. But I’m managing to put one foot in front of the other – day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute, if I have to.
Rational thought is returning so I’m able to blog sensibly. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I was struck by some imagery. This might sound a little crazy, but here goes.
1) The “dark voice” I’ve been fighting is a mirror image of me, with all my ugly traits magnified a thousand fold. She screams and shouts at me like a fish wife, corroding every last shred of self I had left. She bullies the rational me constantly. The incessant noise and back talk drive me nuts. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to shut her up. But yesterday I tried something a little different: instead of yelling at her to be quiet, I thanked her. I told her she’s played an important role in my life, but I don’t need her right now. I’ll come back to her when I do. She’s quietened down a bit since then.
2) I have an image of myself on the edge of the abyss. It’s a cliff edge. On one side is an endless drop into nothingness, strangely represented by the Grand Canyon. On the other, a vast red desert. In the distance I can see an oasis, which represents the growth I am trying so desperately to achieve. It’s hot, there is a warm breeze but I’m wavering. The dark voice is pulling me to the abyss and won’t let me move away from the edge. I discovered yesterday that even if I can’t move away from the edge, I can turn my back. So there I am, still perched on the edge, but all I can see is the desert in front of me. I’m having a bit of trouble making this one stick, but I’m trying.
3) As many of you know my mother is scheduled to come to therapy with me again this week. My mother said a few (more) insensitive things this week that had me thinking that she and my therapist would gang up on me in the session. Thankfully the remnants of rationality kicked in yesterday and I realised that’s not going to happen. My therapist’s interest is primarily in me – yes, ME! (Who would have thought??) Now I have this image of my mother and I sitting across from one another in session, and my therapist between us, batting back my mother’s insensitive and boorish comments with her notebook. I’m sure there’s something transferential about that, but it makes me smile anyway. 🙂
So, there you go. This might all be just the residues of a dangerous chemical cocktail, but so far it’s helping me stay afloat. I’m not counting my chickens, but whatever works, eh?
Still so incredibly tired.