Tag Archives: depression

Moving mountains

Why is it that depression and anxiety leave you feeling like the smallest things are like moving mountains?

As if life isn’t exhausting enough, just getting up in the mornings and getting to work leave me feeling like I’ve run a marathon – mentally as well as physically. Of course, being at work is another Olympic event altogether these days. Of course, there’s the hammering I’m getting from the bosses, but also all the “little” things I struggle with each day, like talking to colleagues, making phone calls, attending meetings, getting my brain to function in a manner that vaguely resembles how it would normally … they’re all like climbing Mount Everest.

Don’t get me wrong – most of my colleagues are just delightful, and there isn’t a group I’d rather work with. I guess it’s just my tendency to Hermitville and feeling like every little thing is an assault in every possible way that leave me reeling. I become so focussed on the assaults that I forget the grounding stuff; the being ‘in the moment’ stuff; even the breathing thing, which I know just compounds it all.

I’m trying to remember to “celebrate” the small steps forward – like the getting up and the getting to work parts; even talking to other people can be a milestone. But for a medal-winning expert self-flagellator like me it isn’t easy. Sigh.

How quickly we forget

I think I’m struggling. In fact, I KNOW it. I recognise the signs: the poor sleep, the constant anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach; the skittish thoughts; the thoughts and emotions put on hold because I don’t have the time or space to deal with them. I’ve started drinking again. Nothing you’d call a problem, but I do like a little something at the end of the day to quell the anxiety and keep my mother’s voice from boring into my head. I like the calm; the almost-peace that comes it, and my ability to forget that now my house feels like the cess pit of negativity and cynicism.

I went out with some friends the other night and got absolutely hammered. I loved it. It was the first time in ages I’ve forgotten – or almost forgotten – all the cr*p that’s going on in my life. I also contemplated taking drugs – something I’ve not thought about for a long, long, LONG time.

This isn’t about doing myself any harm. Not really. In fact that’s just about the furthest thing from my mind. I just want to block things out, forget about everything for a while. Understandable, I suppose, given that my mother is now out of hospital and staying at my place* and given that she potentially has another type of cancer on top of her original cancer. Not a spread – a new cancer. Entirely separate, they say, just a “coincidence.” Cr*p huh? She’s having another biopsy this week, so we’ll know more in about ten days time.

I was flicking through some old blog posts this week, when I came across this one. It’s about coping and all the different things I’ve done over the years to cope – the good things, and the bad. I realized how much work I’ve done with the Wonder Therapist to develop new coping mechanisms, and how quickly I seem to have forgotten them.

A nice realization, but it hasn’t really helped me. I still wanted to spend my weekend blotto or unconscious. I know this is something I should discuss with my therapist, and I will. I do feel a bit embarrassed, though, given I thought all these maladaptive things were pretty much behind me. I guess not. Sigh. Hell, I guess at least I’m not cutting myself, right?

blah blah

* Her proposal to move in is as yet unresolved. I’m pretty much ignoring it for now. At least until we get the results of her latest round of tests.

A scary time

I got back from my holiday last week – it was lovely. The warmth of the sun, the beautiful tropical gardens, the wonderfully gentle people… all blissful, except for the cold I picked up while away. No biggie, right? Well, apparently not.

A day or two after I got home I couldn’t breathe.  I was gasping, rattling, wheezing, or not depending on how shallow a breath I took. I get asthma, so I took the reliever puffer thingy. It didn’t work so I took more. It still didn’t work so I did an “emergency boost” (four puffs). Still nothing, though by now my heart was racing and the rest of me jittery, my hands shaking.

I couldn’t talk more than a few short words at a time. This made communication with the mother difficult and tense and endlessly snippy.

And my thoughts raced, like they’re guaranteed to do in the wee small hours. My thoughts became scattered. I wasn’t thinking clearly. This must be the worst combination – physically unwell and mentally on edge. At least when it’s only one, you have the health of the other to help you through. Both at once? That’s just wrong.

I hoped that by the morning I would feel better, wondering what all the fuss was about. Unfortunately I didn’t. I contemplated going to the ER, but let myself be talked out of it by the mother – she thought some “inhalation” would help. It didn’t. A warm cup of tea? Momentarily, but not enough to make a difference. And of course the communication continued to be stilted – her thinking I was in a bad mood; me just unable to breathe.

By midafternoon I’d had enough and headed for the ER. I was scared; I hate hospitals – especially when they rushed me through triage and straight into the medical bit, no waiting (much to the chagrin of the other punters in the waiting room). And then they wanted to admit me – “my god no, I’m not that sick,” I thought – “you look sick. You need to be here,” they said, though they were really lovely about it.

Drugs, monitors, breathing devices, blood tests, injections. Rinse and repeat.

A couple of days later I’m home. Better, but still not great. I’m still not thinking clearly and my head is filled with ugly thoughts. My night time anxiety is growing as I know the next few hours are the worst for asthma. Will I get to sleep? Will I have to make another dash to the ER?

I’m sorry to say this is making the bliss of my holiday evaporate pretty quickly. :(

My head hurts

Does this image hurt your head? It does mine.

This is what it’s like inside my head at the moment – thoughts racing this way and that, too many things to deal with, it’s all a blur.

Yet again I seem to have taken on too much, and yet again it’s left me feeling overwhelmed. Although for good reason, and not necessarily my fault for everything that’s happening. There’s work issues, my mother’s cancer, my own health issues, issues with friends, blah blah blah. It’s not like I’m freaking out over spilt milk.

The thing that’s most consuming my thoughts right at this moment is work. My relationship with my manager has sunk to an intolerable level, to the extent that I would label her behaviour bullying and harassment. It’s brought back a whole lot of “stuff” from when Things Fell Apart – interactions with her (whether by phone, email or in person) literally now leave me shaking and panic struck.

The good news is that I’ve been offered another job. I have resigned and start my new job in about four weeks. I’m looking forward to the new work – it’s more up my alley, I’ll be working with people like me in a professional sense, and I have worked with the boss there before, so I know it won’t be all triggery and yuck.

At the same time I’m upset at the way things have gone in my current work. I think about my boss and I start shaking. That’s not good. I’m also scared of the new job – I’m wondering if I can do it, I feel like a failure where I am (though I know I’m not) … these thoughts just keep racing through my head.

And then there’s my health issues, which don’t seem to be going in the direction I’d hoped. I need to think about some options, but I can’t. There’s just too many and I’m not ready to deal with them. May be the work issues are taking up too much space?

And then there’s friends, some of whom have said insensitive things to me. And one of whom I’ve said insensitive things to and now I’m in a panic that I’ve ruined our friendship. I’m really sorry I hurt this person, it certainly wasn’t my intention, and I don’t know what else to do about it. I am hoping she’ll forgive me.

It’s noisy and messy in my head, and I don’t like it. I want to run away, never come back, crawl into a dark hole and stay there in the foetal position. I know none of that will help, so I’m just trying to sit with how I feel. Man, that’s hard… and then the thoughts race again and it’s all a blur.

Come back!

I don’t know what’s going on with me this week. Somewhere along the path to sanity there was one too many straws on this camel’s back and I lost it. I’ve been (metaphorically) kicking and screaming like a bratty little kid again.

Actually, there are some reasons – at least these are the straws that proved too much. One – the doctor’s office *lost* my allergy shots and now, after six months of anti-cat shots, and nearly $1000 in doctor’s fees, I have to start all over again. Sigh. Second – I’m still sick from when I got sick on my trip. It’s driving me insane. I had tests this week, but no results as yet. Three – I don’t even know what three is anymore, because all these things are so petty.

Somehow this has all lead to the two year old on the inside coming out and reigning supreme. It’s like she’s done a swap with my adult self, and I don’t know how to reverse it. I’m p*ssy at the world, and my therapist, for no good reason at all.

All the irrational thoughts and feelings I once had, and seemed to have rationalised back where they belong, have come screaming forth. All the stuff about the world being against me, my therapist *hating* me, my therapist abandoning me, me being useless… blah blah blah. It’s all back. I even cried at the doctor’s office today – quelle horreur!

I don’t know how to get it back under control. I’ve tried rationalising; I’ve tried talking to the little kid (but who can talk to a toddler in the midst of a tantrum?); I’ve tried resting/soothing … I don’t know what else to try. It’s like two years of therapy have just vanished – poof!

Please, adult self, wherever you are, ple-e-a-a-se come back!

Updates, bravery and naughtiness

I’m home. My trip was amazing, but I’m glad to be home. I’ll admit that I didn’t want to come home; didn’t want to come back to my life, but now that I’m here, I’m glad. It’s nice to be around trees and gardens again and nice to have rain, having spent time in rainless countries. It’s especially nice to be able to eat and drink without thinking too much about hygiene or nasty diseases. ;)

The other reason I’m glad to be home is that I’m not around my mother any more. I’ve spent three weeks with her and it’s just about done me in. Enough to bring back the darkness and thoughts of doing myself in. (To all you Captain Obviouses out there, yes that was probably predictable and thanks, I’ll know that in future.)

A contributing factor to the darkness is that I reduced my meds a few weeks ago, just before I went away. Yea, I know, not smart. I know that now. I was feeling good and taking two pills a day was annoying me so I thought I’d reduce the dose. Silly me. Actually “naughty” me, as the Wonder Therapist said, with a smirk on her face – “you naughty, naughty girl.” (She’s a member of the Captain Obvious club, too.)

I could spend this post on tales of woe about my mother’s behaviour, or how ordinary I feel, but I won’t. I’m feeling down enough as it is. Instead I thought I’d share a few marks of progress I experienced while away. I even surprised myself!

  • Almost no pre-flight anxiety on the day of my departure, not even at the airport or on the plane. Once on board, a couple of drinks and some magic pills and I slept nearly the whole way
  • I rode a camel AND on the spur of the moment, without “preparation” (whatever that might have entailed)
  • I rode a donkey, also on the spur of the moment, and even if I was scared to death the whole time it was prancing up the side of a cliff knocking pedestrians out of its way, I still did it
  • I talked to strangers (tourists and locals) interestedly and comfortably, without being embarrassed
  • I went out looking for supermarkets in strange towns – WITHOUT A MAP! and without consulting the hotel concierge about where to go or what I might find
  • I took taxis in countries where I don’t speak (or read) the language, without having a panic attack about where I might end up or what might happen
  • I realised that my body is just my body, it’s not disgusting as I once thought, it’s just as “normal” as everyone else’s. Ok, I still don’t like it, but I don’t feel as disgusting about it as I once did
  • I ate foreign food, without getting paranoid about what it might do to me
  • I generally got through the days rolling with whatever happened, not worrying about what might happen next or getting paranoid that something bad would happen.
  • And even when I was anxious, I was generally able to talk myself through it, without descending into a total panic-merchant

Even though my fortitude didn’t last the whole trip, I did well with these things. So a double smiley face to me :) :)

Pain passes

I think I’m on the way back. Phew! The Wonder Therapist said I should read the emotional state I was in only a week ago, and remind myself that pain passes. It does pass, doesn’t it? But why does it feel like it never will?

I managed to haul my butt out of bed this morning and go to the gym (ugh, I’m so unfit… but that’s a separate post or seven).

I also managed to unwrap the newspaper from its little raincoat (on the day it arrived, I might add!) AND I’ve read some of it!

I’ve also cleaned some of the science experiments out of the fridge, washed some clothes and dealt with ten days of dishes.

I also rediscovered a little email the Wonder Therapist sent me that I keep in my wallet. She told me to be proud of myself. I’m not sure I am, yet, but the email still makes me feel good.

Ok, I’m off to tackle the pile of clothes on the couch. Wish me luck, it’s a brave move – I may never emerge. You must all think I’m disgusting, but the domestics are one of the first things to go to hell when I’m at the bottom of the pit.

The joys continue

It’s been a tough week. I still feel triggery and jumpy. I’m still depressed. Bottom of the pit depressed. The urge to hurt myself, and end this futile existence, has loomed large. I saw the Wonder Therapist at the start of the week. She helped me feel a little less disconnected, and a little more focussed on safety. That’s good, I guess. She also rammed home that she thinks I’m being unduly hard on myself. Who? Me?

It struck me today (three days after my therapy session) that I’ve had a lot on, and I have been flagellating myself. Between medical appointments, job interviews, post-operative recovery… it’s a lot. That’s not an excuse for how I’m feeling, but it’s certainly added to the weight I’m carrying.

The pointlessness of life, the space I waste on this earth… this has also been a heavy load. It’s only thanks to the support of friends (you know who you are), and my therapist, that I haven’t acted. Part of me knows, I guess, that this is just the inner critic poking and prodding me again. But is that enough? I mean, is it enough to know that my therapist says this will pass, that friends want me around? I don’t know. Part of me thinks they would all cope without me: my therapist would fill the gaps in her schedule and my friends have their own lives.

I know I’ve been isolating myself, and I know that’s not a good thing. Animals retreat from the world when injured, to lick their wounds. It’s animal instinct. No wonder it feels count-intuitive to socialise at times like this.

I flicked around the internet trying to find something to shift my mind. I found a couple of things that helped.

One talked about not fighting my thoughts and feelings, but acknowledging and accepting them without judgement. It said that I should recognise that I experience a range of thoughts and feelings beyond the hell I’m currently in. Each state is temporary, and each will pass. That helped. Not so much the temporariness, but the acknowledgement and acceptance. Sitting with the thoughts and feelings, I suppose, even the bad ones. It’s helping me recognise these as feelings, but also focus on being safe.

The other thing that helped was thinking about a time and place where I feel safe, relaxed and comfortable. I visualised myself in my favourite place, and immediately felt calmer.

The thoughts are still there, but I’m trying to sit with them. I’m so incredibly exhausted that it’s not too hard to just sit. I’ve been sleeping a lot. That helps to pass the time. Or rather, I should say, I’ve been sleeping a lot during the day… the nights have been restless, wakeful, annoying.

I’m hoping this will pass soon. It’s ghastly. I’d like to be happy. Actually I’m desperate to be happy, but for some reason the universe seems to be conspiring against me.